Sorry for the very late birthday-post. I have no excuses, I know that I’ve been lazy, not feeling great. It’s been rather hard for me to focus on one thing, and one thing only. But it’s better to post something later than never, right? Todays’ post will contain positive vibes and some updates about my current situation in life.
I don’t really know how I feel about starting my life all over again, at least that’s how it feels like. Being done with school, being unemployed, living with my parents etc… It feels awful ’cause I’m not feeling like I’m 23 years old. Especially when I’m almost broke.
Don’t get me wrong though, I love my parents and it feels good to be home and being able to relax and focus on myself. Even though I’m very bad at it, I’m still trying. And I do see the freedom in front of me, I can taste it. I see the open doors, but I don’t dare to enter. At least I’ve started taking acting-classes again, I’m also planning to dance more and write more. To be able to express yourself in a creative way is a blessing. If you can’t cry, dance your feelings out. If you want to tell someone how you feel, write a poem about it. If you are angry, feeling a need to burst out, act it out.
I just want to say that I’m so grateful, so thankful for having some of the most amazing people in my life. I really love my family, I do love my friends so much. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here, writing to you guys. Honestly.
This doesn’t sound like me at all – talking about not being here. But I’m so ready to move on, with the help of my beloved friends and family by my side, and the creativity existing in my heart. I’m more than ready to share my experiences and feelings to everyone.
So what the hell am I doing these days? Since I moved back to my hometown, I’ve been looking for a job. Look, I can understand if I don’t get a job in Gothenburg – it’s a big city, many people apply to the same jobs, some of them are better than me probably with more experience. But here, in the smallest town, I can’t get a single job. I deserve a job I want. That’s why I’m not applying for all the available jobs, I’d like to choose, and I know and have accepted that it will be even harder for me to get this job. I just don’t understand. I have so much experiences, an education! And still they are choosing those who haven’t even finished secondary high school? For every “no” I got in Gothenburg, it was kinda obvious, but for every “no” I recieve here, I get so mad. I’d like to smash all my belongings through a wall and windows, just everywhere. I want to hurt myself. And I do, if I may be brutally honest, by being hard on myself. I tell myself things like: “You probably don’t deserve it. You aren’t enough. Your CV sucks. You are ugly. Go and get an other education, the one you have is so bad.”.
That is how my brain works everyday. I’m struggling. I’m working on a fix. For example, I refuse to cry. But I also refuse to continue and not give up. I don’t really have the same strength anymore…
Anyway, positive post it was. Excuse me for getting on other tracks. Except from looking for a job I’m also, as I said earlier, working on my creativity. I’m focusing on meeting my friends so I think about something else. Playing a lot of games so that I forget about all the things I always worry about. I’m also working out, not right now though because I’ve caught a cold, but otherwise I’m striving for one hour workout every day or every second day.
I hope to share my creativity on my social media, feel free to follow me on Instagram or Twitter. The links can be found here.
I love you guys. Thank you for all the follows, all the likes from everywhere on our beautiful planet. It warms my heart everytime I affect some of you guys. Thank you readers. Hope you are feeling great and having an amazing day. I promise you that it’ll get better. For me, it just takes a lot and I need more time to heal.
Let me hear about your thoughts!