I’m trying to be strong. But emotions are overwhelming me from time to time. Some days are fine. Like some days I’m happy, sometimes I’m very sad, and some other ones I’m so angry, filled with frustration.
People say that I’m a fighter, that I’m strong when I keep myself occupied with events and concentrate on finding a job. But it’s so difficult, I can’t even explain. Like, I do these things automatically because I have to. And I said in my earlier posts that I have to concentrate on myself. To make me feel better. But I feel so stressed, especially when I really need a job. If I have a job, I get money. If I have money, I can afford my own place. Simple as that.
I need something to keep me occupied so that I don’t think about what have happened and what will happen, because that won’t change anything anyway or make me feel better. I have to think about NOW. You know what I want to do now? Lay down under my bed and never come out. Some part of me feel like I have destroyed my life. Some part of me know that I have so many open doors. But I’m scared and not used to that life.
Every morning. Every morning for the past month I have been struggling. The second I wake up I want to puke, I’m so nauseous. I feel like I’m very very warm, almost like I have a deep fever and I can’t focus my eyes on anything. I’m so dizzy and confused. But after about 30 minutes it’s turning in to just depression, at least it feels like it. I have no aptite and have to wait for like an hour until I feel like normal again.
The only thing that helps me in the morning is one happy thought. That happy thought helps me to keep going and to go out of my room and do stuff such us helping my parents at home, looking for a job, exercise etc. If it weren’t for that happy thought, I would be struggling even more by now. Find someone or something to keep you going. If you feel like you can’t push yourself for you, then try and do it for somebody else for a start. That’s what I’m doing. Find your inspiration.
Otherwise, I’ve always been feeling good every morning, sometimes I’m maybe too lazy to go up because the bed is so warm and cozy. Now, I’m like struggling for real. The bed is super uncomfortable as well becuase I feel like I feel. But still I have no strength.
However, I surprise myself when I do stuff even though I don’t really want to. But I think it’s because I feel very stressed when I’m not doing anything at all. I don’t have the patience to rest and meditate and think about myself, even though I have to because of how I’ve been feeling since a year back. I’d rather rest when I’m with friends and family or playing games. I’d rather meditate when I sleep, take a walk or exercise. Is that wrong? I don’t think so, but I’m trying to focus on myself, which I’m really not used to.
This post was a little bit short but I just had to reflect about myself and tell you how I’m feeling every morning. I think it’s getting better now, I’m very sensitive nowadays and I think it’s because I let my feelings burst, thanks to my therapist who opened that locked door.
I hope you’ve had an amazing day. Next post will probably be on my birthday.
Let me hear about your experiences!